“you’re the busiest person i know”
i get that a lot. once, maybe twice a week.
“seems like every time i look, you’re out on the road again”
sometimes it feels like i am but it’s far from the truth.
i feel like i might be in yet another one of those slight freefalls in my life where i feel like i could just as easily slip into accepting some low-paying, 9 to 5 crap job, as i could packing up the guitar and some clothes and hitting the road for the umpteenth time.
either one seems equally less heavy, and pointless at the same time.
but the idea of finding a job in these troubled days and adhering to a work schedule after not for 25 plus years is more than a little daunting. working a job job doesn’t scare me. doing menial labor doesn’t even scare me.
working for and with someone else does.
but what REALLY scares me more than any of that is this shitty feeling of out of control-ness and sheer i’m not sure-ness i feel has griped my life. i used to like it. or i’d tell myself that i did. but i am now beginning to realize that i had to tell myself that to A.) remind myself of how fucked up and unstable my youthful days were and how things had gotten better for me and B.) to brace myself for things to get even crazier in the future.
i don’t know how much longer i will be a working, touring musician. at this current moment, the last thing i can imagine wanting to do is hitting the road. it feels bizarre and almost treasonous to think and say this but it’s true.
i hate the long drives.
i hate the loneliness.
i hate the lack of physical stimulation.
i hate listening to my iPod.
i hate being away from my best friend.
i hate being away from my cats.
i hate nothing but conservative talk on the radio.
i hate no sex for weeks.
i hate truck stops and shitty food and Walmart parking lots.
i hate pissing in plastic bottles cuz it’s too cold or i’m too lazy to walk to the rest area restroom at 3 in the morning.
and quite honestly, it feels like maybe only a handful of folks around the country per show give a shit enough about what i do minus my band to make it out to listen.
i’m not really crying about it. i’m no better. i rarely make out out to live shows any more. i don’t go to many loud, rock shows. why the hell would i go to some old guy with an acoustic guitar’s gig? :)
of course, i post bullshit like this every 8 months or so so what’s my point?
this life, this life, this life.
*i’m off to tonight’s gig
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